A bittersweet Good Friday
Posted by Christina | | Posted On Saturday, April 3, 2010 at 12:06 AM
Today is a mix of emotion. It is April, which means we have just 2 months to go until this whole craziness shakes down. It is Good Friday, which means I am praising the Lord for His sacrifice for my sins, remembering the amazing love my Maker has for me. It is also 6 months ago today my little brother Andrew took his life. And it is this last point and the grief that marks that milestone that is most heavily weighing on me today.
Those who know me know I’m not a super emotional person. I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve. I don’t share a lot of personal information. I keep things pretty close to my heart. But this often leads people to misunderstand the torrents of emotion and pain that wash over me beneath the surface. I may not look on the outside what I feel in my heart, though I feel it all the same. My way of processing life is often more quiet, more reserved, more internal, but no less honest and real.
Tennessee is a bittersweet point with me when it comes to Andrew. Matt and I visited Tennessee just three weeks before Andrew passed. During my time there, I thought about Andrew a lot. I couldn’t wait for him to visit Tennessee. He would have loved it. In Tennessee, it seemed everyone had a dirt bike or street bike. On the freeway we passed dozens of muddy pickups, all with some sort of fast machine in the back. There were endless open roads and no cops – as I have mentioned before, everyone drives like a bat out of hell there. Andrew would love that. While there I only shopped for one person – Andrew. I tried to find him the perfect Jack Daniels t-shirt. I didn’t end up finding what I wanted, but was looking forward to him coming out and visiting me so I could help him pick one out. Andrew would have loved a good Jack Daniels t-shirt.
On the other hand, Tennessee will be an escape for me. Though not a motive for our relocation, I am anxious to start over. Living in Washington can be painful at times. All of my memories are tied up in Washington, mostly to people who are no longer living. Andrew is gone, my dad is gone, my grandparents are gone, and my aunt Carol is gone. I can count on two hands the number of blood relatives still alive. When I go home to Spokane or I drive around in Seattle, the landmarks are reminders of all the memories of what was but is no longer. It is not the same place. It will never be the same place.
There is a unique joy for me in moving to Tennessee. That Matt can’t relate to. That most don’t understand.
I get to start over. Begin a new legacy. A new family tradition. Leave behind loss and sadness that has marked my time in Washington. Make new memories. Make new friends. Try new things. All without the constant reminders of what life was like before.
And Andrew will be there in spirit. He would have loved Tennessee.
.JPG)
Christina,
This is so beautiful and Andrew was (is) so on our minds over the Easter holidays as well. Thanks for sharing all about Tennessee, I hadn't heard the correlation to Andrew and I really enjoyed reading it.
Andrew doesn't leave any of our thoughts for even a day...all the new things that happen and we can't share with him...all the memories.
Thanks for the wonderful things you share in your blog. I don't get here as often as I'd like, but I love it when I read it!
Love,
Shell
Thanks for your comment, Shell. I am so thankful that we all desire to keep Andrew's memory alive. I know we are carrying a little piece him in everything we do. Love you!